Lord of the Rings: The real story
by OneWhoNeedsTherapy
Summary: What happens when there are tommy guns, Gimlis in trunks, hobbits fighting over cars and crazy elf cops? One hell of a story! FINAL CHAPTER UP!
1. Chapter 1

Alright. Time to take a break from anime! One of my friends wrote this and he gave me permission to put it on fanfiction! Yay. Alright. Now this is weird, but this story has a theme song ok? There will be three chapters as each chapter is a book in the series! I hope you enjoy! (remember to review!)

Disclaimer : I don't own LOTR!

--

Frodo Baggins (to the tune of "Spongebob Square Pants)

Who lives in a 5-foot tall house on Hobbit Avenue?

FRODO-BAGGINS!

And has the intelligence of dirty dog doo?

FRODO-BAGGINS!

If Hobbit madness be something you need.

FRODO-BAGGINS!

Then go on with this book and start to read!

FRODO-BAGGINS!

FRODO-BAGGINS, FRODO-BAGGINS, FRODO-BAGGINS,

FRODO-BAGGINS!

The Lord of the Rings the real story

The Fellowship of the Ring

It was a beautiful sunny day. Frodo was playing in the meadows when he met Gandolf.

"Gandolf", Frodo said, "I was hoping the ringraiths would have killed you by now. But, since you're here you might as well help me with my homework." They went inside.

On Frodo's math worksheet it read:

5+5 ?

2+3 ?

4+4 ?

2+4 ?

"Crud! It's addition. So hard," shouted Gandolf.

Later that day, Sam knocked on the door. Frodo answered it and Sam walked in. "Did you understand today's lesson in math?" asked Sam. Before Frodo could answer, Gandolf noticed something. There, on the ground, was a yellow ring. "What is this?" Gandolf asked. He picked it up and examined it closely. Frodo and Sam looked at it uninterested. On the ring, it read: _FFFYYGFYGFYfyghfa_ . "What is this piece of crud?" Gandolf asked. "Well, it's no good to us." Gandolf tossed it in the fire they had lit.

"Now, I shall try and help you with your homework," said Gandolf.

"It's okay, Gandolf. I just won't do it."

"That's a great idea. You can be a slacker, like I was at your age," Gandolf said, remembering good old times:

Gandolf: 42 years

ago

"Yay!" everyone shouted. Just then Gandolf looked to his right and screamed in

horror (and like a girl).

"What's wrong?" asked Sam. Gandolf pointed to the ring in the fireplace. It had not been burned. That only meant one thing. "I'll be right back with my tommy guns, boys," said Gandolf, "We're going on a quest!"

They left the house when Sam asked, "Why are we going on a quest?" "I don't know. I think it'll be fun to be chased by the ringraiths," Gandolf answered. "Good thinking, Gandolf," Frodo congradulated. "But, Gandolf, what are the tommy guns for?" "For protection, no duh," said Gandolf. "No duh" is a product of fear," Frodo said. "No. You're not getting it. It's not that simple!" exclaimed Gandolf "But still, Let's go!" said Frodo. And they went on a journey to have the most fun of their lives. Or so they thought…………..

"Are we there yet?" Sam kept asking over and over and over again. "Will you shut up?" Gandolf finally asked. "Yeah, Sam, we've only been on this trip an hour," Frodo said a bit furious, "And if I hear another word from you again I'll….I'll….." "Are we there yet," Sam asked once more. That did it. Frodo reached into Gandolf's backpack and pulled out a tommy. Frodo's eyes were blazing red. Nothing could stop him now. "Calm yourself, Frodo," said Gandolf. "Okay," Frodo said easily convinced. They traveled seven miles longer. It was now night and Frodo and Sam convinced Gandolf to spend the night at the nearest "Best Western Hotel".

They got a room for $1250 which was a reasonable price, since it came with an icee machine, a seventy inch screen TV, and a computer (windows XP) with internet access. "What a perfect time to check my e-mail," said Frodo. He logged on. "Oh what do you know? My school e-mailed my about not doing my homework. Ha ha, Mrs. Dorchitzowichz sent it. The Elvish lady."

User Name: made some icees for the three and fell asleep watching TV.

Frodo dreamt about fighting the ringraiths. Sam dreamt about failing math. Gandolf dreamt about fluffy rabbits.

Suddenly, the ringraiths burst down the door. Everyone woke up. "Hand over the ring and we might spare your lives," said one of the ringraiths. Frodo answeed him while Sam snuck a tommy out of the bag. He loaded it, cocked it, and bam! He shot one at least five times. The ringraith looked down at where he had been shot and let out an evil laughter. But before he could pull out his sword, Gandolf, Frodo, and Sam had vanished. "Hey, where did they go?"

The three (Sam, Frodo, and Gandolf) ran and ran until they came to a local mall. "Ok, there's a pay phone; I'll call a cab to get us away from the ringraiths." Gandolf said.

"Why don't we just hide from the ringraiths inside?" questioned Sam. "No. We must get as far away as possible from them." Gandolf argued. "NO!" "YES!" "NO!" "YES!" "I WANNA HIDE INSIDE!" Sam yelled in an extremely whiny way. Gandolf was still not convinced. He put 50 cents in the payphone and called a cab.

Th cab later arrived and took them to a bar. "Thanks for the ride," said Sam and paid the kind cab driver. They walked in the bar and inside was, well basically an ordinary bar. There were fights, drunk hobbits, and much much more! In the corner they could spot a man, in the shadows. Frodo went to confront him while Sam and Gandolf ordered some drinks. "Hey, what are you doing over here missing out on all the fun?" Frodo questioned. "Hi, I'm Eragorn," said the man. "Does it look like I give a care what your name is? I asked you a question!" Frodo exclaimed. (We'll come back to those two later. Let's check up on Sam and Gandolf.)

"Oh ha uh ha ha…" said Sam. Uh oh, a little too many drinks there! "Oh Sam, why can't you control yourself?" said Gandolf right before he himself passed out. The poor little things. Let's get back to Frodo:

"Oh, right," Eragorn said leaning over to Frodo to whisper, "I'm actually a hitman." "A HITMAN? Frodo said louder than ever. Everyone in the bar looked over at them. "Thanks a lot you little punk." Eragorn was in a very tight situation now. He got up as fast as he could and headed towards the exit. "Stop that guy!"yelled the bartender. But the man standing in front of the exit stepped aside. "Thanks," said Eragorn making a quick escape."What the heck's the matter with you? You let him go."

It was just too much for Sam, who collapsed on top of Gandolf. That's where they slept. Gandolf had a dream that night. He dreamt that elves were shooting arrows at them and they were trying to hide (behind fluffy rabbits, of course). He woke with a fright, and woke up Sam and Frodo. "Every bloody night I can't get one bloody hour of sleep! What is it Gandolf?" exlcaimed/asked Frodo. "Something bad is going to happen unless we do something about it. Come on boys. We're going to the old basement!"said Gandolf.

"What's the old basement?" asked Sam. Gandolf didn't answer. They all just kept walking and walking until Gandolf suddenly stopped. "Here it is," Gandolf said. There was nothing but grass. He jumped four times in the same spot and out came a small keyboard out of the ground. He put in a 33 digit password and his thumb print. A small passage way opened. There were stairs that they were now walking down. They entered a door and in the room were five chairs. They each sat down in a chair and entered the white room.

"What do you need today Gandolf?" asked a voice from the walls. "We need bows……….. lots of bows." And then out of nowhere came thousands of different bows. "Take your pick, boys," Gandolf said. The boys weren't sure, but the tommys were out of ammo anyway, so the bows were really the only defense they had. "So what now?" asked Frodo. "We fight." "I am so going to regret this," said Sam. "My only regret is only having one life to give for this book," said Frodo truthfully. "Wow, you've truly touched me," said Sam. Gandolf looked at him with a disgusting face. "You're sick."

"We are going to need help fighting. I'll contact one of my old college buddies," said Gandolf. The phone rang at Gimli's house. He sat on the couch watching some old "Seinfeld" re-runs. He picked up the phone, "What?" Gimli asked. "Are you up to getting revenge on some elves?" questioned Gandolf. "What, who is this? No, the last time I tried attacking them, they shot on arrow at me. It hurt my feelings," complained Gimli. Gandolf hung up. He sighed but then said, "He's in."

"Gandolf, why are we going to Gimli's house?" asked Frodo while they walked. They had already gathered their weapons. "Uh……… because….. he…. umm…. invited us to have a drink," lied Gandolf. They continued walking until they got to "Fat Blvd." They knocked on Gimli's door. He opened it and and immediately tried to run away but the poor little thing just wasn't fast enough. It took all three of them to pick him up. He kicked and screamed and got the whole block's attention. All three of them were shaking because of his weight, but they managed to carry him to the nearest car rental place.

"What should we get? We have plenty of money." "Oh let's rent a corvette!" yelled Sam. "I don't know, Sam. I say we rent a Ferrari," Frodo said. "CORVETTE!" "FERRARI!" "CORVETTE!" "FERRARI!" "Let's get a Ferrari," said Gimli. It was settled. They rented a Ferrari, locked Gimli in the trunk, and owned the road. Just then a cop saw them. "Pull over your vehicle," shouted the cop.

They pulled over. The cop was an elf. "License and registration please," said the cop. "Shoot. I don't have my license with me," Gandolf mentioned worried. He quickly sped away. "Oh well," said the cop, "My shift ends in five minutes anyway. I can let this one get away. Besides he's got a baaaddd car! Whew," whislted the cop. "I think you should have written them a ticket," said a voice from the cop car. "I'm not paying you to be my consience," said the cop.

"That was too close." They stopped, suddenly, and their brakes screeched. Gandolf pressed the "eject passenger seat" button. "Whoooaaa!" yelled Sam as he flew up at

Gimli:

least 1400 feet in the air. "That was fun," Gandolf thought to himself. "Enough of the James Bond tricks. We have to focus," said Frodo. "Look, I like you, Brian. We have done a lot together. But I'm still going to have to kill you," said Gandolf. "What?"asked Frodo. "My name isn't "Brian". And you're not going to kill me. You will not kill me!" "Do as he says, Gandolf. I remember when I got my beating from Frodo. Whoo. Gives me chills just thinking about it," said Gimli from inside the trunk. "Wow that guy has good hearing," said Gandolf. "Okay. Whatever." Sam landed perfectly back in the seat. They happily drove along and sang some farm songs.

They drove until there appeared a cliff. They had been driving on a cliff and it ended up ahead. They parked and got off. They looked over the edge and saw probably at least about 60 elves.

"Quick, get the bows!" yelled Gandolf. Frodo unlocked the trunk and Gimli crawled out. Gandolf loaded his bow and fired arrow after arrow after arrow hitting an elf every time. Squirt He pooped one right in the eye. The elves launched flaming magma. All four of them ducked. It hit the car. "NO!" yelled the four of them. "At least it's a rental." All four shot more bows and killed more elves. Gimli ran out of arrows and hid behind the flaming car. He had been hit in the arm by an arrow. Sam and Gandolf ran out of arrows as well and joined him.

Frodo shot some more arrows and then ran out. Fortunately, there were only two elves left. He pulled out his sword and threw it at one of them; it was from at least 200 yards away. It hit the elf right in the head. Frodo was out of weapons and there was still one elf left. He took off his shoe and threw like he never had thrown before. The shoe flew in the air and Sam, Gandolf, and Gimli stared in awe. The shoe was close to the remaining elf and. ……….…. slice . It sliced right threw the last elf. Frodo's words to the dead elf were "You…….. meanie." And of course the elf just layed there.

Eragorn pulled up in a Lamborghini. "Well done, Frodo. I knew you had it in you."

--

Well how did you like it? Good? Bad? Please review and tell me! The next chapter will be soon!

Rubber Chicken Freak ♥


	2. The Two Towers

Enjoy!

This book does in everyway express the views and opinions of its author.

Warning!

The unathourized reproduction of this copyrighted work is illegal and just sick and unnatural if you think about it. Criminal copyright infringement, including infringement without monetary gain, is investigated by the FBI and is punishable by up to five years in federal prison and or losing an ear, eye, arm, or leg, or being locked in a room for an hour with a lion, or a $250,000 fine. Ouch .Say goodbye to that new house you were planning on buying.

Due to some violence, crude humor, and stupidity reader discretion is advised.

Who lives in a 5-foot tall house on Hobbit Avenue?

FRODO-BAGGINS!

And killed an elf with just his shoe?

FRODO-BAGGINS!

His last words to the elf were "You meanie"

FRODO-BAGGINS!

Then Eragorn pulled up in a lamberghini.

FRODO-BAGGINS!

The Lord of the Rings the real story

The Two Towers

"Eragorn!" shouted Frodo, "What the heck are you doing here?" Before he could answer, Gandolf said, "I have been searching for you my whole life. I know you have the power within you." "What, you mean I can dodge arrows?" asked Eragorn. "No, Eragorn, I'm telling you that when you are ready, you won't have to," said Gandolf. "Can somebody please tell me what is going on here?" asked Sam. You see folks, Sam is one of those people who get really ticked off when they don't know what's going on. You should have seen him this one time when he and Frodo went to the Bahamas. They met this chick at a restaurant and…….well……. never mind. Back to the story: Gandolf answered Sam, "Eragorn must now come with us." "What are we going to do with him?" asked Frodo pointing to Gimli.

Note: If you are a sensitive reader and have problems with fat people being thrown off a cliff, then I suggest that this book may not be your best choice.

The four of them started walking. They were off once again to rent a car. Frodo looked at Sam, Sam looked at Eragorn, Eragorn looked at Gandolf, Gandolf looked at the sun, the sun turned around and looked away from the earth and everyone froze to death.

Mount Everest: 9:41 p.m. 2005

"Sir, you had better take a look at this," said a voice. "What is it?" asked another voice. "I believe it's the people from the book my kid has," said the first voice. "_The_ _Lord of the Rings?"_Asked the second voice. "No you fool, "Harry Potter". Yes! The Lord of the Rings." "Sometimes I just don't know know what to do with you."

"But really, look. They're frozen!" said the first voice. "I know," said the second voice." "That's really getting annoying!" said the first voice "What?" asked the second voice. "The way the author keeps refering to us as voice one and voice two. That really hurts my feelings! You don't even think we're eligible for real names. I have a name you know!" "Oh really?" asked the author. "Yeah, it's Jeff. And my friend over here, he has a name to, ah huh! It's Pete. So I demand that you refer to us as our real names or else!" "Or else what?" asked the author. "Or else, I'll quit being a character, and I'll tell everybody, including Bryan, Kristie, and Erica not to read this book!" "Noooooo!" shouted the author. "Allright I'll call you by your names."

**_Jeff_ **looked at **_Pete_** and said that they should break the ice and release the hobbits. He agreed. They both took out their pocket knives and started carving the ice away. They carved and they carved some more. And some more. It was now sunrise and it was just about broken. Sweat dripped slowly off their heads, they were so close. The Hobbits twitched slightly. They started to come out and…….

We interrupt this book for an important message!

"Good evening, I'm Happy Face along side here with Veronica Imsuchachick. We have some breaking news. Veronica" "Thanks Happy. A giant Panda Bear just escaped from the zoo, with two bear cubs, and according to zoo owner Charles Moneyman, the Panda also set free a rare baboon, a fifty foot tiger, and a man-eating giraffe. So if animals break into your house later tonight, just don't say we didn't warn you." Veronica giggled, as if trying to impress Happy. "And now back to your program. Or book. Whatever."

"Well if you ask me folks, I'd say Veronica is terrible at flirting," said the author." "Oh right, you want to see what happens to your little hobbit friends. Okay, fine. Here's the rest."

The Hobbits were once again reunited. Jeff and Pete explained what happened and flew them to Chicago.

"I don't think the Ringraiths are still alive anymore, but who knows these days. Right?" Jeff told them. "You have to be careful. 2005 is very different than the Second Age, or whenever the hell you lived," Pete explained. He gave them a hotel room, and the two mountain climbers went back to Mount Everest. "Well, isn't this exciting!" exclaimed Sam. "1805. Wow." "I believe he said 2005," corrected Frodo. "That's what I said," said Sam.

The next morning, when Frodo was checking his e-mail, they had awful news. "I just received an e-mail saying that our friends passed away," said Frodo. "It's okay, we never liked them anyway, remember?" Sam stated. "No, not Marry and Pippin! Jeff and Pete!" Frodo exclaimed.

"I will be a mess when Merry and Pippin die," Eragorn mourned and whined. "They are the only ones that I would always drink with every Monday and watch the Philadelphia Eagles lose continously and they were always there to cheer me up and that one time the Packers played them and Green Bay won 717 to 21 he made dirty jokes about the Packers and……." WHACK! Frodo slapped him hard. "Get a hold of yourself, man!" Eragorn now laid on the floor of the Hotel room knocked out.

Frodo sadly continued, "Anyway, Jeff and Pete died in a peaceful way. They just fell from about 1,500 ft. and landed on some spikes," Gandolf and Sam looked traumatized. "Do you want to see the pictures?" "No!" shouted Gandolf and Sam in a more of a frightened "no honeslty don't show me!" type of way rather than in an angry way.

"Well, I think we should call it a night," Gandolf yawned. "But Ganny, it's only 1:10 in the afternoon." said Sam. Just then a blood thirsty giraffe broke in. They all screamed. "What Should we do?" asked Frodo. "Let's go….. sshhhhoopppiinngg!" Gandolf yelled like a teenage girl. They both stared at him. "Okay……" Frodo agreed.

They left the hotel room and Frodo could have sworn he saw Spider-man whizz by on his web. No literally, "whizz by". If you know what I mean. Kidding, Kidding. "Hey! Did you guys see that? It was him. Spider-man!" Frodo told them. "Uhh…….Frodo? I think the coldness is getting to you," Gandolf said worried. "Yeah, definetely," agreed Sam. "Spider-man lives in New York; we're in Gichago." "Umm, actually my point was he doesn't exist, and it's Chicago, Sam, Chicago. Say it with me, Chi-ca-go," Gandolf was saying.

Frodo was laughing so hard at Sam. "I wouldn't be laughing so much, Junior," said Gandolf. "This is a dangerous city. You wouldn't want to give the appearance of you being some clueless guy that would be an easy mugging victim." "Please, in Sicily, _women_ are more dangerous than shotguns," Eragorn said. "We're in Chicago for crying out loud! Not Gichago! Not Sicily!" shouted Frodo. "Besides if any gang approached us I'd just use one of the 9mm handguns that Jeff gave us. But anyway, I'm serious. I know I saw Spider-man." "Maybe you're hallucinating," Eragorn said. "What have you whiffed, or smoked recently?" "I'm not on drugs, you idiot!" exclaimed Frodo. "Denial. One of the most tragic stages for all addicts," stated Eragorn.

The four continued walking, but the nearest mall wasn't for at least another 2 miles. Just then, they realized a car was following them. Gandolf said, "We gotta do something about this.

He stopped walking and turned around. "Hey!" Gandolf shouted at them. "You homies got a problem?" "Oh no, no problem, we're just gonna rob you," said one of the gangsters. "Say what?" questioned Gandolf. In the blink of an eye, the two gangsters in the passenger seats pulled out zmg machine guns and started shooting. The four hobbits ran for cover behind a dumpster. The dumpster walked away when he was done with his business. "Dang he made a mess. And.. Ah…that smells," said Sam. They then took cover behind a dumpster dumpster (where trash is kept).  
Gandolf grabbed the bag that had the handguns and took the guns out. "Take one, pass it down, no fighting over them, everyone will get one," Gandolf said. "Just like old times." Gandolf loaded two pistols and, with one in each hand, shot back. He gave them two flat tires and shot one of them in the head. "Crud, I'm out of ammo!" Gandolf shouted. Frodo and Sam, though they only had one pistol each, came out of cover at the same time shooting back. Frodo shooting the second guy, and Sam shooting a third tire. They sumersaulted back behind the dumpster. The driver tried to drive away but only went about 2mph because three of his tire's were shot. Before he could get away Eragorn popped up and shot the front part of the car exploding the engine. "Way to go everybody," said Gandolf. "Drinks on me!"

Nobody was really in the mood for a drink. So they all just kept walking towards the mall. Out of nowhere, a guy came up to them and tried to mug Eragorn. But he was no competition against Frodo's fast hands. Frodo snatched a gun and shot the guy in the leg. And unfortunately, "the guy" was Eragorn. "Holy Crap! You shot me!" yelled Eragorn. "Sorry, it was an accident," apoligized Frodo. He reloaded and shot the mugger in the arm. "Aghhhhh!" the mugger cried. He ran away. "There's a lot of street crime here," Frodo said. "I think he needs a band-aid," said Sam, pointing to Eragorn. Gandolf gave Eragorn a band-aid.

They finally reached the mall. Right when they walked in, they saw a sign. It read:

Kind Of imporTant

There will be a reward of $150,000 to whoever can climb to the top of either one of The two towers.

They all stared in awe and excitement at the sign. Except for Gandolf. He stared in awe and excitement at the sign next to it:

The New Miss America Barbie Set.

Like wow!

They all agreed that Frodo should do it, even though he really, really didn't want to. So, the next day Frodo climbed and he climbed and he climbed. He was doing a great job until he thought about the way Jeff and Pete had died. And he realized how steep the tower was. He looked down. Eragorn looked like an ant. Frodo didn't want to think about it. I mean after all, it's not Eragorn's fault he drank a weird liquid mistaking it for mountain dew and turned into an ant-like mutated freak. Frodo almost slipped, but caught himself. Within another five minutes he was at the top! Sam, Gandolf, and Eragorn cheered, but Frodo couldn't hear them from way up there.

But then, Frodo felt a weird feeling. A feeling he hadn't felt in a very long time. "I probably shouldn't have had those three Pepsi's," He thought to himself. Well, it'll take too long to go back down..so………………………………..Ah. He felt much better now. What he didn't realize was that he was facing the wrong direction. He had gone right above his three friends. Gandolf and Sam looked up. "Aghh," shouted

Sam and Gandolf.

Eragorn dodged it all.

Copyrighted 2005. You can't copy it sorry.


	3. FInal Chapter

THE FINAL CHAPTER!!!!

The following book is rated "R" for Ridiculous .

- contains violence

- contains language

- contains a large intake of booze

**may** contain the following:

- fluffy rabbits

- your daily nutritional value of stupidity

Who lives in a five foot tall house on Hobbit Avenue?

FRODO-BAGGINS!

And who's been in a couple of gang wars too?

FRODO-BAGGINS!

Who climbed atop one of the two towers?

FRODO-BAGGINS!

And gave his friend's a little shower?

FRODO-BAGGINS!

The Lord of the Rings the real story

The Return of the king

J.R.R. Joke-ian

After Frodo won his $150,000, him and his friends rented another car (this time a Lamborghini Gallardo;) ). They then went to celebrate at a close-by bar. You all can probably guess what happened after that. Frodo called a cab to pick them up (or at least he tried to…). "Can you…please.. pick me up¿?" poor drunken Frodo asked over the phone. "What? Who's this? What's goin'on? Where are you?" questioned the voice from the phone. "You've.. got.. questions, we've got answers," said Frodo. "What? If this is Radioshack, Stop calling me!" said the voice from the phone. Whoever Frodo accidentally called now hung up. "I guess we'll have to drive to the hotel room ," Frodo told the others.

They all dizzily walked out of the bar and into the Lamborghini. "Get us there safely," said Gandolf. "Get us there fast," said Eragorn. "Can we stop at McDonald's?" asked Sam. "Not now, Sam," Frodo said rather annoyed. They all belted in and Frodo hit the gas. "Aghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"they all screamed. Frodo picked up speed like crazy. They were soon going over 130 mph. He screeched in a fast turn, dodged an old lady crossing the street, and ran a red light. "Aghhh!!!!!!!!!!" everyone continued to scream. He soon was not even on the road anymore. They were now driving on the sidewalk and Frodo ran over a mailbox and sent a fire hydrant flying into the air. "GEEZ, Mr. Frodo! Would you slow down?" shouted Sam. "We're doin' fine. I'm not even goin' that fast," said Frodo. The speedometer had burst. They were heading right for a pole going over 150. "Oh….crap!!" shouted Sam and Eragorn at the same time. Gandolf had fallen asleep. Frodo swerved around it two inches in time. He slammed on the brakes. "Well, we're here," he said. The others let out a huge sigh of relief, except for Gandolf, who simply let out a huge snore.

The next morning, their was a loud knock at the door. Everyone had collapsed the previous night in various places. Frodo, hanging half way off the couch with a bottle of beer in his hand, twitched, but still remained sleeping. The knock became louder. He woke up and slowly walked to the door. He opened it and almost had a heart attack when he saw who it was. "Hey Frodo!" shouted Pippin obnoxiously . "How've you been?" asked Merry. He slammed the door on them without saying a word, and crawled back onto the couch. "You can't hide forever, you no good piece of hobbit rubbish!" shouted Merry.

A few hours later, they returned with an axe and gun. "Heeeeere's Meerryy!!!" Merry shouted as he chopped the door to bits with his axe. He pulled out the gun and walked in, Pippin following close behind. He firmly gripped the gun, not knowing what to expect or who he'd have to shoot. "My god!" said Merry as he saw Gandolf sitting up against the wall, drooling massively in his sleep, Eragorn and Sam lying on the floor over each other, and Frodo on the couch. "They've been drugged!" exclaimed Pippin.

They immediately woke them up and dusted them off. "Thanks," said Frodo, "We don't know what we'd have done without you." "Wait a minute. It's Merry and Pippin!" shouted Sam. They were all happy to be reunited and introduced Eragorn. "Hold up. How did you manage to stay alive all these years?" questioned Frodo. "I……don't quite know the answer to that. But hey, if we were dead the author wouldn't have had much of an idea for another book, now would he?" said Merry slyly.

They all sat in the living room to have a chat. "Well, pointing out the plotholes in this piece of crap the author calls a book is making me thirsty," Merry said. "What have you guys got to dri-?" "That's nice, Merry," said Frodo interrupting," I have to admit we have had a bit of trouble adjusting to our new lifestyle here in the future." "But Mr. Frodo won us $150,000 so that should change a lot," Sam explained. "You dumb little twit. You shouldn't have told them about the money. Now we have to split it six ways. "You're so stupid, Sam!" exclaimed Frodo. There was a long moment of silence….. "I love you, Mr. Frodo," said Sam.

Frodo, Gandolf, Eragorn, and Sam decided to let them stay. "Well, you guys would be surprised how much there is to learn in this amazing world! It's a lot different then before. We've been going to school. Would you like to join us?" asked Merry. "What's the point?" asked Gandolf, "My intelligence is just fine." "What's 5 x 10?" asked Merry. Gandolf looked so confused he started jumping off the couch and having minor seizures trying to think of the answer and was banging his head on the wall. "Yup, he hasn't changed a bit," Pippin pointed out. They agreed to go to school…………………..DUN DUN DUN!!!!!

They next day they arrived at school. "This is going to be so fun," thought Eragorn. "It is for the most part," said Pippin. Merry quickly added, "The only person you have to watch out for is Mrs. B-," he was interrupted by a teacher. "Why hello boys, what are you talking about? Huh? The answers to the test we have today?" asked Mrs. Bitterton. "We have a test today??" asked Merry and Pippin. "Damn, they weren't supposed to find out until today's class period," Mrs. Bitterton said. She gave them a cold, evil look and said, "You didn't hear anything. Move along."

The time came for Mrs. Bitterton's class to start. They all walked slowly together toward the door. Merry said, "On the other side of that door is one of the worst things known to man. It's something that we may not live through. It's truly very disturbing. On the other side of that door….. is Bitterton." "Hurry up you little weasels," said Mrs. Bitterton. They all sat down. Mrs. Bitterton went to the door and locked it.

"Good morning, class." There was silence. "Good morning class," she (maybe even a he) said again. Nothing but silence. She smiled. "GOOD MORNING CLASS!!!!!" she shouted louder than ever. They all, out of extreme fear, managed to say good morning. "Now today we're going to learn geometry," she said. She continued talking and wrote on the chalkboard.

"Wow, she's mean," whispered Sam to Frodo from the back of the class. She immediately stopped talking. She turned around. "Oh dang!" thought Sam to himself. She walked toward him. Faster and Faster she came closer and closer to him. She stood in front of him looking furious. She put the chalk in front of him and broke it trying to intimidate him. "You wanna talk, you do it after school!" You will see me after class!" "Okay," he said. "WHAT???," she asked. "You do not say 'okay' until after I am finished speaking!" she shouted. "You will see me after school !" "How would you like a detention as well? How'd you like to wash my car after school?"

Before he could answer, something caught Mrs. Bitterton's eye. A boy across the room was playing his game boy advance. "Oh No!" the boy thought to himself when he realized he had been caught. She walked over to him, forgetting about Sam. "Ah, you're a level 42," she said. "I'm only a 27. Give me that thing." She grabbed it out of his hands and tried to boost her level.

The bell rang. Everyone started to get out of their seats. "Hey, nobody moves until I say so!" she said. "Or better yet, until the game boy advance says so. Nobody leaves until I boost my level!" "This should be awhile," said Gandolf. And it was…..THE END…………..of class took forever to come.

Four hours and twelve beers later, all six of them were finally on their way back to the hotel. "I don't know how you put up with that woman!" said Eragorn. "Spare change?" asked a bum on the street. "Sure here you go," said Pippin stupidly as he pulled out $8,000 from Frodo's backpack. "Why thank you, sir," said the bum, "And oh just for giving me this…well..were you talking about Mrs. Gorgianettaion Bitterton?" "Her name's Jerajinat?tionshum¿wha..???" asked Eragorn. "Yes that was who we were talking about," Frodo said. "Well, I know how you can get her to quit her job forever," said the bum. "But nobody must ever know about it." They agreed. The bum took out a piece of paper and a pencil and scribbled down instructions for them. He folded the paper up and slipped it in Frodo's pocket.

They came up to a building that said "Non-alcoholic beer factory" in huge letters. In letters microscopically small it said "a.k.a. Dufresne Businesses". Frodo said, "Dufresne!" "Gesundheit," said Gandolf. "That's it, that's the one," said Frodo. They entered the building. There was a man that greeted them. "How can I help you?" he asked. "We were thinking of setting up some kind of way so that our teacher would quit her job forever," explained Frodo. "I see. Well, let's take a seat and talk it over," said the man. "Do you have the password?" Frodo took out the piece of paper the bum had given to him and read the password on it, "14322lock78howry6snufflebuffle0555-0123brickenbracket." "That's the weirdest password I've ever heard," said Pippin.

The man gave Frodo a box with pills inside. "Give one of these to your teacher. It'll brainwash her and give her a complete new memory. In that new memory, she will hate teaching, be a lot nicer, and have a particular care for fluffy rabbits. Gandolf let out a huge grin. "Yeah, don't get any ideas there, Ganny" said Eragorn. "Thank you very much, sir. How much do we owe you?" "Nothing, but I do have another little something for you," the man said.

He took out a CD with him on the front. It appeared to be a rap CD and it was titled, "Gettin Schnelly with it." "Uh…..no thanks," said Frodo. "Please take it. After my girlfriend left me, My psychiatrist told me I should let out my emotions in an artistic way," said the strange man. They still did not have any interest. "Take it!!!!!!!" the man shouted." Sam grabbed it and they all sprinted out of there like a bat outta……Hobbiton. They could hear the man laughing evilly from inside. THE END………………………of their meeting was over.

The next day they were off from school but Mrs. Bitterton had a first grade class to teach. They put their ears to the door and could hear their teacher begin to read a story to the young class. She read, "There was once an elf named Doofus. Doofus did not care for the world. So one day, he mugged a lady. He counted the money he got from her and found out he only got four bucks in change. #!$ !$#$#&!#&. He began to shout. The next day he died trying to rob a bank. The End." The kids were extremely frightened.

Frodo, Sam, Eragorn, Gandolf, Pippin, and Merry decided now was the time they should make their move. Frodo snuck around her desk and hid behind it while Eragorn, Gandolf, and Sam distracted her. "What the hell are you doing here? There's no class for you today," she told Gandolf, Eragorn, and Sam. "Oooooooooh." The kids scolded here for swearing. "Oh shut the hell up!" she said to her kids. Frodo then took her glass of liquor that was on the desk and put the pill in it. She went over to it to get a drink and saw the pill. She looked around and saw Frodo hiding behind the desk.

She went over to the class closet, where she hid all her weapons. She took out a sword and threw over the desk exposing Frodo. "No don't!" exclaimed Pippin and Merry as they ran into the classroom. "I'm not going to kill him. I'm just going to take a foot off of him. A hobbit can still study with one foot," said Mrs. Bitterton. She chopped off his foot. "Holy Hotmail Hamster from Holland!!!!!!!!!" Frodo shouted, grabbing the lower portion of his leg where his foot once was. Sam, Merry, and Eragorn ran over to Frodo while Gandolf and Pippin found an interesting book to read about ponies from the classroom.

Frodo picked up his foot and gave it to Sam. "I can't carry that foot for you, Mr. Frodo. But I can carry you," said Sam. He picked him up and headed toward the door. He paused when he saw the pony book. He dropped Frodo and ran to join Gandolf and Pippin. "This one's called a Noma," said Gandolf. "No way!" exclaimed Sam, "That's my mother's name." "No……Because that's……my…..wife's…..name," said Gandolf. "I'm gonna pretend I never heard that," Sam said. "Yeah, good idea," Gandolf quickly added. "Will you idiots hurry up?" shouted Eragorn from outside the classroom. They all ran out and headed back to the hotel. "And never come back!" shouted Mrs. Bitterton.

Frodo was sweating and freaking out. "Calm down," said Merry. "Everything will be fine, Mr. Frodo," said Sam, "Listen. You're gonna get out of here, you're gonna go on and make lots of babies, and your gonna watch them grow. You're gonna die an old... an old lady….I'm sorry…I meant to say man, I really did." He cracked up laughing, but looked around to find nobody else was. He cleared his throat and continued…. "warm in your bed, but not here….not this hotel. Not like this do you understand me? Promise me, Frodo, and never let go of that foot. Got it? Never let go." "Very inspiring words, Sam," said Eragorn. "Yeah I was just reading off this original script of titanic I got from ebay. Whatever it is, you can get it here," Sam said with a bright, shiny smile, giving a thumbs up.

Frodo recovered fine and the next day, they decided to give the pill a second chance. Frodo stayed while the others sneaked back to the school. "Wait a second," said Eragorn, "Why has the flag with Mrs. Bitterton's face on it replaced with that flag over there?" He pointed to a flag with Big Bird on it. They peeked into the classroom and could see Mrs. Bitterton tied to a chair with tape over her mouth. The first graders were marching back and forth with M16s in their hands. "I don't know but I been told, this shit's getting' really old," the kids sang. Eragorn, Gandolf, Sam, Merry, and Pippin burst into the classroom. "What's going on?" asked Merry. The leader of the kids answered, "We couldn't put up with her being mean to us anymore. So we opened her weapons closet and took over the school." "Why the hell didn't we think of that?" asked Eragorn. "Oh well, they did us a favor," said Pippin. "I wanted her to like fluffy rabbits!!!!" shouted Gandolf. The others left while Gandolf stayed and threw a fit.

A few days later, they decided to listen to the CD that the girlfriendless dude at the "non-alcoholic beer factory" had given him. "It is Hanukkah season and the CD _did_ say it featured the song: "Eight days of annoyance," said Pippin. "Why, are you Jewish?" asked Frodo. "I used to be. But I traded it for an X-box," said Pippin. Pippin put in the CD. The song played with the man singing: "On the first day of Hanukkah my ex truelove gave to me….a dead gopher in my palm tree.

On the second day of Hanukkah my ex truelove gave to me….two prank calls and a dead gopher in my palm tree.

On the third day of Hanukkah my ex truelove gave to me….three counterfeit checks, two prank calls, and a dead gopher in my palm tree.

On the fourth day of Hanukkah my ex truelove gave to me….four hate notes, three counterfeit checks, two prank calls, and a dead gopher in my palm tree.

On the fifth day of Hanukkah my ex truelove gave to me….fiiivvvveee golden boogers, four hate notes, three counterfeit checks, two prank calls, and a dead gopher in my palm tree.

On the sixth day of Hanukkah, my ex true love gave to me….six mosquitoes-a-sucking, fiiivvvveee golden boogers, four hate notes, three counterfeit checks, two prank calls, and a dead gopher in my palm tree.

On the seventh day of Hanukkah, my ex true love gave to me….seven deadly snakes, six mosquitoes-a-sucking, fiiivvvveee golden boogers, four hate notes, three counterfeit checks, two prank calls, and a dead gopher in my palm tree.

On the eighth day of Hanukkah my ex true love gave to me….eight geese-a-crapping, seven deadly snakes, six mosquitoes-a-sucking, fiiivvvveee golden boogers, four hate notes, three counterfeit checks, two prank calls, and a dead gopher in my….palm…..tttttrrrrrreeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The song ended. "I feel bad for that guy," said Eragorn. There was a long moment of complete silence………. "I wonder if that was based on a true story," said Sam.

THE END

Real author: Alex Martinez, hoped you all enjoyed this series, it's been fun to work on…...If you can read this, you don't need glasses

A/N: Okie dokie that was the last chapter! In the story he says Mrs. Bitterton but really its any teacher that you totally hate with a burning passion. So Mrs. Bitterton equals all hated teachers! I hope you enjoyed Alex's story! Review for him so he knows what you think!

-OneWhoNeedsTherapy


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